Recently, I heard someone say Fathers instill a sense of self-esteem in their children.
I think it is extraordinarily poignant observation and it works both on the positive and negative side of the spectrum. I have seen a lot of adult suffering that is a result of “daddy issues” and I have also seen some heart-warmingly tender father/child relationships.
Positive self-esteem shows up in the world as a sense of being ‘comfortable’ as oneself, knowing that it is OK to lead and to follow, rejecting ideas and actions that won’t be beneficial long-term, having a healthy weight, and a healthy attitude towards sex. It is a sense of self-worth and self-definition that gives a person the confidence to reject and steer clear of the negative undercurrent of humanity.
Negative self-esteem shows up in the world as constantly seeking affirmation (needing attention, needing to be liked), acting erratically toward authoritarian figures, being stuck short-term thinking, and struggling with weight and sexual dysfunction. Questions emanating from deep-seated uncertainty about what do I deserve? and what can I expect from others? dominate thoughts and undercut the ability to do long-term goal-setting and imagine good things in the future.
Of course, those with poor father figures can, over time, work to correct the issues. A methodical approach to self-reflection and growth can overcome an weak, absent, or an abusive father… but it can take years of work to lay a new foundation to a house that’s already inhabited.
You don’t need to be perfect in order to instill good self-esteem: you can be divorced, or have vices, troubles, or failures. In fact, it’s probably better if you aren’t perfect: a big part of self-esteem is the ability to be able to move past your failures in life. So if you have failures, be thoughtful and use these times as a teachable moment showing grace and good manners in the face of adversity.
Good fathers bestow positive self-esteem by being a good role models: living with integrity, being in harmony with themselves, accepting wins and losses, and engaging their sons and daughters in a way that is respectful and patient.
In anticipation of Fathers Day, I want to applaud my many friends who are good fathers and positive role models. Keep up the good work.